Divorce counseling and marriage counseling have different goals and outcomes. Relationship transitions, such as marriage and divorce, have a significant impact on your life. Marriage counseling can help a couple work through difficult issues dealing with communication, trust, infidelity, finances, parenting, or lost romance.  A relationship expert is trained to quickly identify problems in a relationship and help couples develop skills to resolve their conflict. Divorce might still be the best option for a couple that has been dealing with on-going issues and doesn’t have to be litigious or highly contested. Divorce counseling can help minimize the impact divorce has emotionally and financially, and help you resume a satisfying and successful life after your divorce. Pre and post-divorce counseling sessions with a divorce counselor will help you move forward with your decision in a cooperative, and positive way.  

Making the difficult decision to separate from a life you shared with someone is not an easy one. This decision will have consequences that could last for months or years to come. Getting the right support along the way through post-divorce counseling will help you set new boundaries, overcome fears of starting a new life alone, find ways to embrace new relationships, and help you deal with guilt or grief. Divorce is very similar to death and people experience the loss in the same emotional ways. These emotions can be crippling at times. With the right help from a post-divorce counselor you can feel empowered in your decision and move forward more healthily.

Every person going through a divorce experience differently. The stages of divorce can be comparable among almost all divorcing couples. Identifying which stage of divorce you are in will help you understand the benefits you will get from a divorce counselor during each stage.

1. Stage One

   The typical divorce begins with Stage One in which there is usually the “initiator” (or the person who has been thinking about the divorce longer or has made the decision sooner) and the “non-initiator” (the person who might be caught off guard by the divorce concept, or who has not been thinking about getting divorced, but may have noticed things weren’t going well.) This stage is a time when the emotional impact of the divorce concept is first introduced. The initiator may appear to be less emotionally impacted because they have already spent some time adjusting to the idea. The non-initiator may appear to be the more emotional one and as shock wears off, demonstrate sadness, anxiety, or other symptoms. During stage one, blaming the other spouse is very normal.

   Divorce counseling and mediation can be useful during any stage of divorce.  It helps clients start making short-term decisions concerning the physical separation and gives each person a sense of control over their lives. Benefits of divorce counseling in stage one:

   • Empowering each individual,
   • Alleviating concerns or fears,
   • Discussing future arrangements,
   • Acknowledging expenses and debts,
   • Working out parenting schedules, and
   • Mapping a plan for permanent physical separation.

   Divorce counseling and the mediation process helps assign tasks and gives each person a clear understanding for what they can do to empower themselves and move forward in a productive way.

2. Stage Two

   In stage two each person begins to grieve the loss of the relationship. Experiencing the stages of grief (anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) are common. Divorce is a trauma and it will impact you like a death. You might feel ashamed, guilt, alone, and feel disconnected from your family or friends. You will begin to think more about what life alone will look like. Divorce counseling or mediation is beneficial in this stage for:

   • Staying focused on goals,
   • Shifting your self-pity to productive action,
   • Reframing the relationship,
   • Developing grief coping skills to avoid anger and animosity,
   • Accepting divorce as your new reality,
   • Brainstorming for what still needs to be done.

3. Stage Three

   This stage is usually met with high emotions and energy. As the reality sets in, anger is often felt as questions arise; “How will I support myself?”, “Where will I live?”, “Are my kids going to be traumatized?”, “What if I can’t find someone else?” This is also the time when a person might be think they need to go to court to prove they have been wronged. They may think that litigation will help them “win” and then they will feel better. Anger is not a healthy emotion and behind the anger is usually fear of the unknown and hurt feelings. Using the court system to work through this will only drag out your healing process, costing your more emotional and financial trauma. Divorce counseling and divorce mediation in this stage will help with:

   • Calming the anger,
   • Finding productive ways to use energy,
   • Helping you make better long-term decisions,
   • Ensuring you stay focused on reality,
   • Giving you a faster time-line to move forward.

4. Stage Four

   This stage is about being alone. You may be in separate living arrangements, paying individual bills, co-parenting, and or even beginning to consider dating again. This stage is marked by an increased awareness over your new independence. You might find that your friends and family support has changed with your new circumstances. You might have a hard time relating to others or find that you feel judged or criticized. Divorce counseling and mediation can help you during this stage:

   • Continue to improve communication with spouse,
   • Guide better co-parenting and cooperation,
   • Solidify long-term plans.

5. Stage Five

   This stage is usually characterized by a feeling of acceptance. The divorce papers might be in the processes of finalization or there might still be issues you are working on with your parenting plan. In any case, this stage still benefits from mediation and divorce counseling and allows each person to receive experienced help. This stage is marked by:

   • Closure,
   • Future forward thinking,
   • Less painful emotion.